Why is it that it’s days when I’ve completely lost control and eating everything in site that someone who hasn’t seen me in awhile says something about my weight loss and asks my “secret”? Ummm… yes well I do exactly opposite of what I’m doing right now. You going to eat the rest of that brownie?

Go away, fat girl!

I’ve seen some people recently that I hadn’t seen in a long time. So they’ve mentioned the weight loss. And that’s great. I’m back on track on eating, and I’ve not been off track on working out. And I’m on the lower end of my weight right now. I’ve been about three or four pounds lower than this but quite briefly. I think it was a fluke. Anyway, I’m 85 pounds lower than this time two years ago. That’s a lot. But I don’t see what others see when I look in the mirror. I hear the comments about my size and part of me thinks they’re mostly being nice. I’ve lost weight, yes. And it’s noticeable, yes. But I don’t see someone slim in the mirror. I just don’t. I don’t see a REALLY fat girl anymore, but she’s pretty chubby. And I know I can’t be. My daughter wears the same size. She’s slim. My coworker wears a size larger than me. She’s slim and fit. And also, I don’t believe she’s a size larger but the point is, I don’t see what other people see. I can sometimes in photos, but half the time I’m honestly not sure it’s me at first. It’s so frustrating. I hate it. It’s like I can never REALLY feel good about myself because I don’t feel like I look good.


4:05 alarm rings. ugh. I’m too tired to go. snooze. ring. not yet. snooze. get up get up get up. snooze. okay now get up. stumble to bathroom. pee. wash hands. change clothes. brush teeth. drive to gym. grab the hand weights. grab the earbuds. grab the gloves. walk inside. show membership card to desk guy. “You’re looking lean.” Blink a few times. “THANK you!” Smile. I look leaner. Stand up straighter. Look at me! I’m lean! Glide to locker room. Glance at self in full length mirror. He said I’m lean. Put keys and weights in locker. Glide to elliptical. The sweat routine begins and I’m so glad I came!